Guilt of an Enabler

For as long as I can comprehend alcoholism, it’s always in the back of my head knowing I am an enabler. Mom has always told me that 1) it’s not my fault and 2) you can’t change the habits of old people. It’s still something I’m very torn about especially knowing that if I had to do it over, I’m not sure I’d do any different, as horrible as that sounds.

My maternal grandfather (Ah-Gong) was a very skilled carpenter. He had most kickass woodworking tools that I only wish I can inherit one day, but I know they are probably just rusting away in the Taiwanese humidity and lack of use. Ah-Gong fell off scaffolding while the kids were still young. He got a permanent hunchback from the fall and always required a walking stick to maneuver around. He never gave up woodworking but he could not get around easily.

He started drinking rice wine (mi jui) to dull the pain from the fall. The rice wine from then is very different from the ones we in grocery stores these days. Now the manufacturers add in salt to prevent people from drinking the cheap cookign alcohols. The rice wine is not really wine at all; it’s more of a grain alcohol that is a lot stronger than the 12% wine today.

A-Gong and Ah-Ma’s house was constantly filled with grandkids since many of the grandkids lived in Taipei, my brother and I included. Since my parents were the only ones who did not procreate beyond two, Ah-Gong and Ah-Ma always had at least one grandkid living with them so the parents can have at least one less kid to worry about. My brother and I always knew we could never compete with the other grandkids to be Ah-Gong or Ah-Ma’s favorite since we didn’t spend as much time with them as the other grandkids, and let’s face it, we are the kids of a DAUGHTER, not a SON.

But still, we tried to help Ah-Gong run errands down the street to pick up some fresh eggs, newspaper, and rice wine. Ah-Gong always rewarded us with five-yen with each run, so we can pick up a corn snack (Guai-Guai) for ourselves as well. From a household without junk food, these corn snacks were what Pixie Sticks were to Ned Flander’s kids. We’d practically fight over who gets to make Ah-Gong’s rice wine. At a time and place kids could buy alcohol that easily, we were able to constantly continue the flow of rice wine at Ah-Gong’s house.

Ah-Gong never did anything that struck me as the alcoholic with the tell tell symptoms. He taught himself to read from newspaper and asking his kids/grand kids to help him identify the characters he didn’t know, he held a small municipal position since he was so well liked in the neighborhood, he didn’t have mood swings, heck, even when he died, it was nothing related to his drinking. He simply drank to dull the pain in his back.

Till this day, when I see Guai-Guai at groceries here, I’m always excited that these cheap snacks are still around and even imported to the states, but the excitement always tinged with a little remorse of knowing that when I a little kid, I got so much joy buying alcohol from Ah-Gong. I wonder if my cousins feel the same way?

Despite how much I joke about enjoying my wine and stouts, I rarely get shit faced and I rarely have more than one drink each sitting. It is always in the back of my head, the danger of using vices to cope runs in my family.